Life Story

Most major events in my life are ones that I associate with certain records. Most of the significant things happened from 1982 onwards, and since I began covering those times, I have written extensive commentaries for the songs in question. I have been surprised that a number of people have been keen to hear the latestt installment, and it may also seem a bit of a mess for someone who just chances upon my site and wonders what the hell I'm talking about. So, I decided to collect those commentaries together and put them all on one page.

It begins in the Autumn of 1982 and continues to April 1983 at present. It's going to run and run as long as I keep updating my site as right up to the present (2002), (I've never been far away from some kind of drama. If I was a character in a soap, you'd scoff that no-one's life can be that dramatic). In time, I will also go back over the pre-1982 years and add the relevent commentaries to this page. But for now, we start with October 1982.

This was the only major hit for 'Fat Larry's Band' and it rerached number two. But "Zoom" will forever be known as "Tommy's Song" to me.
Tommy (real name Mark) had been one of the bike gang and had been with us on all of those trips during the summer. He often used to get words mixed up and say things that didn't make much sense, and we often laughed at him. But he never took offence, he would laugh with us. He didn't live in Ruabon, and was from a village named Rhostyllen three miles away, but even though most of us hadn't known him for more than a couple of years, we felt that we'd always known him.
As mentioned elsewhere, My Grandad had died suddenly on August Bank Holiday holiday, and I had to identify his body. That ended my summer and I didn't go anywhere but work for the following six weeks. Then one Saturday afternoon, I decided that enough was enough, I was going to go out and see my mates that night, got to get myself back into circulation. That afternoon I went for a ride into town and even popped into the Kawasaki centre to see if the gang were there, as they often were on Saturday afternoons, but they weren't. On the way home I had to pass Tommy's house, and as I approached I could see him about to get onto his bike. He saw me approaching and tried to wave me down. I was freezing cold and so slowed down and shouted "See you in the Legion, I'm coming out tonight". He replied with something along the lines of "Ok see you tonight". I don't remember his exact words, and I feel guilty about that, but not as guilty as I later felt about not stopping for a chat.
I got home had a bath, got myself something to eat (my Dad was away and I was fending for myself as I did most weekends at that time), Watched a little TV, probably "Noel Edmond's Late Breakfast Show", and then went out of the door. For no reason that I can remember, I decided to go into the Vaults before going to the Legion. As I first entered a couple of people told me that they had been sorry to hear about my Grandad, and I made my way to the bar. Just after being served a friend of quite a few years that I hadn't seen much of since I'd bought my bike, came over. His first words were "Have you heard about Tommy ?". I replied "What, I saw him this afternoon ?". "He's Dead !"
As I later learnt, he had gone into town to a shop called "Two Wheelers" just after I'd seen him, but on his way home a car had pulled out in front of him, just yards from his home. This had happened just 20 minutes after I'd spoken to him.
I left my drink and rushed to the Legion. I will never forget the look on people's faces, all sat there in the usual seats except for the one person who would never be there again. The girls were crying, the boys were fighting it. The girls were putting soppy songs on the jukebox, and this one was in heavy rotation. I learnt that during the previous few weeks, Tommy had often sang along to this while others laughed at him. But I had missed all of that.
The funeral was the biggest I had ever been to. We all clubbed together to buy a wreath in the shape of a motorbike (my idea), and his helmet was placed on top of the coffin for the church service. Over 70 bikes followed the procession from the church to the crematorium, and we all removed our helmets as we rode into the grounds.
The events of that week were what Roger Waters would have described as "Another Brick In The Wall". That is, they were part of the process that led to the events of the following year, ultimately leading me to becoming the person that I now am. Part of growing up ?
No, it's much more than that.
And what has this got to do with music ?
A lot. I connect most events in my life with music, it may even be the music that keeps so many of these events clear in my mind.

On hearing this, I thought "What an amazing single !". After a couple of near misses, Blancmange finally had their first hit and they spent three weeks at number seven. I still think it's a great single now, but my reasons for thinking it was so amazing back then were not good ones. I'd started smoking anything offered to me back in 1980 because 'someone else was doing it, so it seemed a clever thing to do'. After my Grandad dying and then 'Tommy', I turned to harder things and was experimenting with hallucinogenic drugs (Magic Mushrooms in particular). I thought it was fantastic because I didn't have any bad trips on whatever substance I took, and this single just seemed to tie in with the whole experience. I began reading books about drugs such as Timothy Leary's "Politics Of Ecstacy", I wanted to try everything, I would have even taken Heroin had someone offered it to me. I even had a bag of magic mushrooms confiscated by the police officer who'd broken the news to me about my Grandad's death. I ought to have been ashamed of myself. And that's what smoking a little 'weed' now and then led to.
For those that don't know, Magic Mushrooms go out of season when the frost arrives. They were said to be non-addictive, but I craved them. I wanted to go back into happy mushroom land, but I couldn't. That's when depression started to kick in.

This cover of the Supremes hit surprisingly gave Phil the first number one single of his career. But rarely have four words rang more true than the four that make up the title of this song.
I was going out with (dating) Sue when she bought this. I'd first met Sue at the Legion Disco in November. She was the sister of Richard, who was the boyfriend of a girl from the village named Marcia. Sue was short, shy, very pretty, but never wore a skirt. I like women to look feminine, so she wasn't really my type. But I thought that she was really sweet, and liked her a lot. I'd sat and chatted to her and even indirectly asked her out when I had more than a little Dutch courage, but she'd declined, something to do with my hair being too long. So I thought that was that. Somehow on Christmas Eve, I'd found myself leaving the Legion Disco at the same time as Richard, Marcia and Sue. Marcia suggested going to church for midnight mass. It isn't something I would normally do, but I thought "Why Not ?"
I remember the church being packed with people, but not much more about it, except that we didn't stay long. After that the four of us walked down the road towards home. I decided to walk their way down Albert Grove and on to Stanley Grove where Marcia lived (Richard and Sue were staying there for the night). Somehow, Sue and myself ended up linking arms, just messing about really. But we were walking much slower than the other two and soon fell behind. We were laughing and joking as we got to Marcia's gate and I felt a little sad that the night was over. I said to Sue "I'll see you again sometime then, Merry Christmas". I didn't expect what happened next (remember I said that she was shy). She leaned forward and kissed me. A little shocked, I responded and we snogged for a few minutes. I then asked her if that meant we could start seeing each other, she replied "Yes, if you want to". So that was how it started. It was another significant moment, maybe THE most significant moment in my life. It diverted me from which ever road I was taking in life. Things were never the same after this. She lifted me out of the doldrums, made me happier than I'd ever been in my life, but I was left at my lowest ebb when it was over.

I'm usually a sucker for Christmas singles, and could be considered something of a collector. But I didn't bother with this one. My memory's a little foggy on it, but I think it was a medley of traditional Christmas songs, and the whole thing sounded a mess. It reached number 29 though.
While we're on the subject, I do love Christmas, but I seem to have gone though quite a few bad times at that time of year. Take 1982, for the third Christmas in succession my Dad was going to my Mum's for Christmas (I don't know why they just didn't get back together and be done with it). I didn't want to go, I wanted to stay home and go to the pub with my mates. But after my behavior of the previous two years, my Dad wouldn't let me stay in the house on my own. So he arranged for me to stay at the home of one of his friends, yeah right !
So Christmas Eve came, I showed my face in work before spending the afternoon on the town with all the lads from the Parks Department. We all ended up in a pub with the strange name of "Piggly Wiggy", where a big bloke named "Dewi" pinned me up against the wall and said "You're coming to my house for your Christmas Dinner, I'll pick you up near the railway bridge at 12 O'Clock". Nice of him I thought.
I was bladdered going back to Ruabon on the bus and no doubt made a show of myself. After getting off the bus, I didn't go home, I sat on the wall near the phone box and waited for someone (anyone !) to come along on their way to the pub. I can't remember who eventually came, nor which pubs I went to before going to the disco in the Legion and the beginning of the Sue story that followed (see Phil Collins above).
Whwn I left Sue that night, I bumped into a girl named Lynne and chatted to her for a while after which I made my way towards home. By now it must have been at least 1:00am, but I then bumped into my ex girlfriend Bridget and a really nice girl I knew named Kerry. They both now lived two miles away in Johnstown and jokingly asked if I would walk with them. I thought "Why the hell not ?", and said "OK". We got near Bridget's house first and left her at the top of her road before walking the half mile to Kerry's home. When we got there. she asked me in and she gave me a cup of coffee (or maybe it was hot chocolate, can't remember that detail). I left after about half an hour, and began the walk home. I got a few hundred yards, just past a pub named "The Travellers Rest" when a couple passed me on the other side of the road. The man shouted "Are You Going ?". I replied "Where ?". He repeated "Are You Going ?", I said "Going Where ?". Once more "Are You Going ?", I replied "Oh B****cks", and carried on walking. A few seconds later I heard footsteps and turned around. It was him, he looked in his early to mid 20s with a moustache like the scousers in the Harry Enfield show. He asked if I could spare a fag (cigarette). I was thinking I might have got off lightly here, took my packet out of my pocket, gave him one and took one out for myself. He then asked if I had a light, so I gave him the box of matches. He lit his ciggy and then dropped the matchbox on to the ground (I thought by accident). So I bent down to pick it up and WHACK, a knee in the face followed by a few kicks about my body as I lay on the ground. I got up, he was about 10 yards or so away on his way back to his girlfriend who'd walked away. It probably wasn't a good idea, but I shouted "F*** off you Ba***rd". He turned around, came back and beat me up again !
The next time I waited until he was almost out of sight before calling him a W**k*r. Oh yes, almost forgot, I didn't feel a thing until the next morning.
So, I walked home and couldn't get in. My Dad had put a few of my things in the shed and I tried to sleep in there, but I was too uncomfortable. So I broke the kitchen window and climbed in through that. I never did see my attacker again, but I'll never forget him, he's on my list !

Didn't like it much. When played on the top 40 countdown, it was time to go and put the kettle on. It reached number 16.
As for the film, there was all that business about pirate videos doing the rounds a couple of months before it came out. It didn't exactly harm business though, everyone seemed to want to see it after that hit the media. I wasn't that bothered myself, but I do have a little story loosley connected to it.
When I woke on Christmas Day, I felt a little sore from my beating of the previous evening. Then I remembered that Sue was now my girlfriend and felt pleased with myself. I didn't have her phone number, neither did I know where she lived (except that it was somewhere up in the mountains near Minera), but I knew that wouldn't be a problem as I could contact her through her brother Richard and his girlfriend Marcia. And that's what I did and through them we arranged to meet on New Year's Eve. So after spending most of the week between Xmas & New Year in the pubs, hanging around with my good friend Claire and explaining to my Dad about the broken window, the night finally came.
I was really nervous waiting in the Legion, but finally Sue walked through the door with R & M. After one drink in there, we went along to the Community Centre. Richard & Marcia had tickets for a New Year's disco in there, we were going to try and get in too. We failed, so bid our goodnights to R & M and walked back towards the Legion. I asked her if she'd like to go into the Vaults, she said ok, so we went in there and had one. After that we walked down to 'The Great Western Inn' commonly known as 'The Nant'. That was ok and we spent the rest of the evening in there. I can't remember what we talked about, but I do remember her telling me that her favourite singer was Shaky, it didn't put me off her though. We left about 1:30am and I walked her back to Marcia's house where she was staying the night.
When we arrived, she asked if I wanted to come in for a while, so I did. Marcia and Richard were already in bed, as were Marcia's parents. So we went into the living room, sat down and smooched. We must have been there together for near an hour and during the course of that time, I did ask at one point if she'd like to go and see E.T. (see, I said there was a connection). She said OK (she seemed very agreeable on everything). I also remember that I fell asleep for probably less than a minute, I just felt so comfortable and relaxed with her. I remember her cute voice saying "You're not falling asleep are you ?". I replied "No, not quite".
But, I left soon after that. As I was leaving, I asked when could I see her again (expecting the reply to be next weekend or something like that). I was pleasantly surprised when she said "Tomorrow if you like, come to my house". So that's what I did, and we saw each other everyday after that until March 4th.

U2's big breakthrough, after this single there was no looking back. They'd spent a couple of years on the fringes of success with 1981's "Fire" being their biggest success with a lowly number 35 peak. But this one went all the way to number ten and helped it's parent album 'War' to enter the album chart at the top.
If you're anywhere near a radio at a couple of minutes after midnight on New Year's Eve/Day, flick through the stations and you'll find this playing somewhere. As mentioned in the commentary for "E.T." (number 21), I was nowhere near a radio that night, I was in the lounge of the Great Western Inn with Sue. But this song reminds me of that New Year's Day all the same.
Early that afternoon I got on my Kawasaki KC 100 and rode the short distance to Marcia's house. A few minutes later, Sue, Marcia & Richard got into Marcia's Dad's (Dennis) car and I followed them to Sue's home. It seemed a hell of a long way on that freezing cold day, but it was only about six miles to that cottage up in the mountains. I met just about all the (very nice) family (loads of siblings), and there was that nice aroma that you get from those wood stove things. I stayed until about 9pm and we then said our very long goodbyes outside.
We saw each other every day after that (while it lasted). By a week or so later we'd got into a routine. On Monday and Wednesday, I would go to her house and spend the evening there with her and her family until about 10:00pm. That wasn't as bad as you may think, her Dad John, was a really nice man with a good sense of humour. For some reason he liked to call me "Harry Fenton", never quite sure why. Tuesdays and Thursdays, I would pick her up approx 5:30pm, take her to my house and then take her home about 10:00pm. On Fridays I would pick her up and we'd spend the weekend together until I took her back home on Sunday evening. So we spent a hell of a lot of time together in this particular New Year.

This remake of the song that is regarded by some as the first disco hit peaked at number four. Not bad, but years later, it's more interesting for the fact that a young 'Sinitta' was in the promo.

On Thursday 3rd March, I recorded the said promo from TOTP and was a little peeved that the picture seemed to be jumping. Years later, I realised that it was supposed to be like that.

The 3rd March 1983 is more significant to me for another reason though. I had seen Sue every single day since New Year's Eve, we'd spent every weekend together, I thought that she was the one. But when I took her home that Thursday evening, I had a nasty shock. She announced that she wouldn't be able to see me the following night, she was going to a horse show with her friend Joanne. What, on a Friday ?

On Fridays I rush home from work, get changed, go and pick her up, bring her back and we spend the weekend together until late Sunday evening. She can't do something else on Friday !

But her decision was final and I left with a lump in my throat. The following day in work I told my friend Chris Squire (No, not the one in Yes) about what had happened and my worst fears. He told me that I shouldn't fear the worst and was sure that everything would be ok when I phone her Saturday morning. He suggested that I buy her something to show how much I missed her. So I bought her a lovely necklace, the most expensive thing that I'd ever bought for anyone. That night was awful, the time dragged, I couldn't sleep, I just knew that things were going to go horribly wrong.
On Saturday morning the time continued to drag as I waited for 11:00am to come, so that I could phone and she would say that it was ok to go and pick her up. The time finally arrived and I walked to the call box. Her Dad answered, she wasn't home yet. I was to and fro to that call box all afternoon. Finally, past 6:00pm, she came to the phone.

"I've got something to tell you"

"What ?"

"I don't know"

"Oh"

Pause.

"Is it what I think it is ?" (why the hell did I say that ?)

"I don't know, what do you think it is ?"

"That you want us to finish" (I deserved shooting for saying that, I may have at least seen her one more time and found out the problem if I hadn't. After all, it seems that she wasn't going to get around to telling me)

"Yes"

"Why"

"I don't know"

Long pause before I said something really really stupid
"Sue, if you ever change your mind, I'll always come back to you"

"OK"

"Better go then"

"OK"

"See Ya"

"See Ya"

The thing is with that stupid thing I said above, I really did mean it for a long time. I don't think I got over her completely until ten years, one marriage and a move across the country later. But that final "See Ya" was the last time I heard her voice. I didn't even see her again until 24 weeks and one day after that Thursday evening goodbye (yes, I kept count). I had three more sightings between '88-'89, but they were fleeting glimpses and there have been no more since.

Back to the night in question. I went home, walked upstairs got hold of the nice big Valentine's Card that she'd given me a few weeks earlier, lay face down on the bed and cried my eyes out. Then I remembered the necklace. If I still got it to her, maybe she would change her mind. So I washed my face trying to cover the evidence and went to Marcia's house to see her and Sue's brother Richard. They seemed a little surprised about what had happened and said that they'd give her the necklace and have a talk to her about it.

I only stayed about ten minutes before leaving, but then felt a little lost. I'd abandoned all of my friends when I started seeing Sue. She hadn't liked going out to pubs etc, so we'd stayed in together all the time. I hadn't minded that as I loved the two of us being alone together all of the time, in fact being with her like that was one of the happiest times of my life. There was one person I could go to, the only (non-work) friend that I'd kept in semi-contact with. I went to Claire's house. Claire was very good and I still say that she's the best friend I've ever had. OK, I started smoking again that night, but even if Claire hadn't smoked, I'd have started again soon anyway. I slept that night on Claire's sofa, and as I walked home early the following morning, along the path at the side of the 'conker field', and across the reck, I had no idea of the significance of what had happened. A dark journey had just began, I was at the entrance to a dark tunnel. I would go down that tunnel and I'd spend a year inside it.

It was the single following this that caused some to realise that they were deliberately sending themselves up, but I noticed it on this one. I mean they even used the "Woah Woah Woah" from "Best Years Of Our Lives at one point. One critic in particular missed the point entirely when he commented "Another record like this and there'll be as many jokes about them as there are false teeth". It reached number eight.

I bought this on Friday 4th March. I knew Sue liked it, so I suppose I was intending to kind of impress her with it the following day (trying to impress someone with a Modern Romance record !!!!!!!). But as history recalls, I didn't see her the following day.
Another thing I did that Friday was to buy my regular weekly copy of Record Mirror a day later than usual. That was a shame because that week, the first of my messages to Sue ran in the ads section (the first of 20+ weeks that I had paid for). But even though she regularly read my copy, she didn't buy Record Mirror herself, so she probably didn't see any of them.

I was in something of a different world for the next few weeks. I began to take regular doses of Paracetemol when I began to get regular headaches. At first most of my sadness was little more than self pity, but it wasn't long before a real problem had developed (even though it wasn't apparent to anyone, least of all myself).
I continued going to work for a few weeks, and then staying in watching TV or in my bedroom listening to music that we had listened to together, reading her Valentine card over and over again. I even made compilation tapes of music that reflected the relationship from beginning to end and the time following. Yes, I was becoming something of a sad case. My Dad still often went away at weekends, and would sometimes go on a Thursday. One particular Thursday that I was alone, I heard a news report that was calling for a ban on the drug 'Distalgesic' after someone had taken a fatal overdose of it. I had been prescibed 'Distalgesic' for a shoulder injury in 1981, and I still had something in the region of 80 tablets left. An idea struck me, WHY NOT ?
What would I know about it afterwards ?

I'd had almost 21 years on this planet, why have any more when I feel so miserable ?
I put on one of my music compilation videos, got myself a pint of water and took the tablets. After a while, a section of the tape with the Beatles rooftop session from the 'Let It Be' film was playing. I thought it sounded awful and I would have told people so, except that I would never speak to anyone again. It was approx 9:00pm. I blacked out !

I awoke at sometime past 2:00am. I felt weird, a strange distorted feeling, everything in the room began to look distorted. I wasn't sure whether I was enjoying the feeling or not. I needed a drink of water, so I went and got one. I switched off the TV and lay back down on the sofa.

I next woke just after 6:00am and once I got my senses back in order felt surprised that I had woken up. Oh well, I thought, and went to work. I was still working in the Moss Valley at the time and Andre, Alan and Mike all asked whether I was ok more or less straight away, apparently I was as white as a sheet. I said that I hadn't slept very well, but would be ok with some fresh air. So I took the keys for the public toilets at the far end of the valley and walked the mile long path to them. Just after opening them, I was walking across the bottom car park and it just came up, I couldn't stop it. A stream of Yellow vomit errupted form my mouth (strange considering that the tablets were white). I felt a little better for the rest of that day and no one knew anything about it.

So I'd failed, but the intention was still there. More of an intention, it became an obsession with me. And when I heard about someone dying from an overdose of Paracetemol, there was no stoping me.

Duran Duran had their first number one single with this. I personally thought it was weaker than the singles that had been lifted from the 'Rio' album the previous year, and that it was one of those rare pre-90s occasions that an undeserving single entered the chart at the top. But Duran Duran were so huge that whatever new material they released just had to hit number one.

There was something in that title that seemed to relate to me personally. I still didn't know why Susan had ended it with me, save for a suspicion that her friend Joanne had something to do with it. I had began to buy large bottles of Paracetemol and had been taking them regular for headaches I had, and headaches that I pretended to have. I can't remember the exact date that I stopped going to work, but I think it must have been the 28th March. It was probably the 4th April when I visited the doctor and told him that I was having dizzy spells and having trouble sleeping. He very kindly prescribed a course of sleeping tablets for me along with something that I think was called Stematol and some green capsules. My preparations were almost complete.

On April 9th (9 days before my 21st birthday), the Pink Floyd film "The Wall" had been released on video. I just had to see it again before I did what I had to do, and so I rented it out. I watched it in the afternoon, along with my Dad. My brother was visiting us for a few days and he also watched some before he went out to see some of his old friends. He was supposedly staying out that evening. My Dad went out quite early that evening, but just before he went out Susan's brother Richard and his fiance Marcia called to see me. It was now five weeks since I had seen Susan, so I don't think that they thought it would trouble me too much if they told me that Sue was now seeing someone else. I tried to act perfectly normal as though it didn't bother me, but I did notice Marcia looking at the bottles of tablets on the sideboard. I told her that I'd been having dizzy spells and lots of headaches. I learnt that she'd later told Richard she was concerned about all the tablets I seemed to be taking. They left after an hour or so and said they'd call again during the week.

I watched "The Wall" again and then switched to some big concert celebrating 25 years (I think) of "American Bandstand". Then I did it. While Stevie Wonder was performing "Masterblaster", I swallowed over 25 sleeping tablets, 43 Stematol, 18 of the green capsules and 200 Paracetemol. I continued to watch the show for a while before deciding that I was hungry, and so made myself some toast. I normally just had butter or Marg on toast, but on this occasion decided to put strawberry jam (jelly) on it. By now I was feeling quite strange and realised what it was I was feeling. I was feeling "Comfortably Numb", hardly any feeling at all, but comfortable. I lay on the floor and watched as the Beach Boys played a medley of their hits.

There was white everywhere, what had happened ?

Was this where you go when you die ?

Wait, I'm in a bed and they are white curtains around me. There was something on my wrist. It's some kind of band and it says Overton. That's a place about five miles from my home village of Ruabon.
"Am I in Overton hospital ?"

"No, you bloody fool, you're in Overton ward at the War Memorial hospital".

Oops, I'd survived and my Mum was by the bedside with my sister. My sister's boyfriend had driven them from Mansfield to Wrexham through the night. The story goes that my brother had decided to come back to my dad's after all that night. At first, he had turned on the TV and sat watching it, thinking that I had just fallen asleep on the floor with a half eaten Jam sandwich at my side. But after a while, he had noticed all of the empty tablet bottles on the table and realised that I wasn't just asleep. He had knocked on the door of Anne and Dave next door and called an ambulance. Apparently the ambulance arrived as people were walking home from the pub and a crowd gathered as I was taken out on a stretcher. Oh the shame of it !

Upon arriving at hospital, my stomach was pumped out, and as I was taken to the ward, I attacked the doctors and nurses. I have no recollection of that, and other patients later told me that they thought I was drunk.

This was the big winner at that year's Grammies. It had originally been released in April 1982, but had failed to chart here, despite hitting number two in the States. Following the success of "Africa" it was issued here as a Grammy shaped disc and reached number 12. It's subject matter was said to be actress Rosanna Arquette (so were tracks on Peter Gabriel's 1992 album 'Us').

This is one song that I clearly remember hearing in the early hours of the morning while lying in bed at Wrexham's War Memorial hospital. The other that I remember is Clannad's "I See Red", a really atmospheric piece when heard in those circumstances. I also remember listening to some show about the history of Reggae, but can't remember who hosted it.

Once I'd found my bearings after waking up in that bed on Sunday April 10th, I realised that I had a drip connected to me and a machine that made a bleeping sound. Not long after my sister and disgusted mother had left the hospital, the bleep machine was taken away. I had a sore throat, and when I mentioned it to a porter, he said that he wasn't surprised, but on the plus side, I shouldn't get a headache for a while. I felt embarrassed that I recognised the porter as someone from Ruabon who I often used to see in the pub. I think his name was Jimmy.

Through the day I was asked lots of questions about what I'd actually taken besides Paracetemol, why I'd done it, all the usual stuff. The man in the next bed was very elderly, and late in the afternoon his family came to visit and the curtains were drawn around the bed. Not long afterwards, he was covered over and taken away. He had died and I thought that if his family had known why I was there, they would hate me.

Later in the evening, the drip was disconnected. The needle part of it was left in and a stopper put over the part where the drip had been attached. I was the only patient still awake on the ward as I listened to the radio on headphones. That was when I heard "Rosanna" & "I See Red". The bed was getting damp after a while and I looked at the hand. Then I did see red !

There was blood pouring out from one of the holes in the contraption that didn't have a stopper on it. I thought about saying nothing, after all, it didn't hurt, so bleeding to death didn't seem to be bad a option. I put my arm back under the covers and continued to listen to the radio for 20 minutes or so. But then I realised that someone would get into serious trouble if I did bleed to death because of a Nurse's innocent mistake. That wouldn't have been fair becuase all of the nurses were very nice and I've always liked nurses anyway. So I got out of bed and went to the office where the night nurse was sitting reading a book. Blood was dripping from my hand onto the cold floor as I stood in the doorway and said,

"Is blood supposed to be dripping like this ?"

She jumped up with a look of horror on her face and said "God No !"

She rushed to sort me out and changed all of the bed linen. I then got back into bed and she made us both a cup of tea. She sat on the bed and we chatted for over 90 minutes. I told her what had happened, why I'd done what I had, and she was very sympathetic. She told me that she had recently gone through the breakup of a relationship and she had felt pretty much the same as I had for a while. She was a really nice person and considering what had pushed me to do what I had done, I thought it was strange that I fancied her, almost hoping that I had the nerve to ask her if she'd like to go out sometime. After the second cup of tea, she left so that I could get some sleep, but not before telling me that she had a night off the following night, but would have another chat with me on Tuesday evening. I was looking forward to that, but when she gave me a smile and said "See you tomorrow night" just before 8:00am the next morning, that was the last time I saw her.

That morning, I was able to get out of bed and go to the table in the middle of the ward for my meals, so I got talking to the other patients, all quite older than me. They were a friendly bunch and one of them was a smoker and gave me a few cigs in the TV room as I didn't have any until my 'calmed down' Mum arrived. A psychiatrist came to see me that day. She was Egyptian and gorgeous. She asked me the questions that you would expect, "Why did you do it", "How was your childhood", "Have you taken drugs" (yes, I more or less lied about the drug thing, thought I may get in trouble). But I didn't expect her to ask "Do you masturbate ?". Here was this very attractive woman with lovely eyes and great legs asking if I played with myself. I meekly replied "Sometimes" and probably blushed while trying to look anywhere but at her face or legs (fight it, do not get aroused). She asked would I be willing to go and see her at the Maelor Hospital. Of course I said Yes, can you blame me ?

That night, I sat in the TV room and the TV film "The Day After" was on. I chatted to my new but short term friends and one in particular (a man in his mid 50's or possibly older) told me that I should never do what I'd done again. I sometimes wonder whether he is still alive. Strange how people go in and out of your life.

The next morning a doctor came and said that I could go home. I felt like saying "Do I have to ?". I was quite enjoying being in hospital and was so looking forward to my favourite nurse coming back on duty that night. I even wouldn't have minded if I was still there for my 21st birthday on the 18th. But no, I had to go home. I really didn't want to go back to normality.

They'd already failed with one ballad "She Loved Like Diamond", but they were never going to fail with this one. Out went the silly clothes and in came the suits for this smoochy ballad, the title track from their third album. Easily one of the best singles of the decade, I just wonder why they left it so late to release it (the third track to be lifted from the album). Had it been released before Christmas, Renee & Renato would have been completely forgotten about by now and would not be featured in various top ten shows. After entering at the extremely high position of ten, it went straight to the top where it reigned for four weeks.

I bought the 12 inch of this in the week that I was discharged from hospital. I noticed straight away that the words "Pill on my tongue" were printed on the back. I wasn't the only one to notice this. The day after my discharge, Marcia and Richard called and I noticed Marcia pick up the record and point to the words as she showed it to Richard. She told me that the night I'd been taken into hospital, my Dad had gone to her house and asked if she knew what I had taken and what they had said to me. She said that he seemed very upset. Either both of them together or Marcia on her own came to see me quite often over the next few weeks.

It was my 21st birthday on the 18th April and Claire came to see me with a card and a bottle of wine. She was going to babysit for a woman named Sue (of all the names !), who lived just around the corner from me, and she asked if I would like to go along. I thanked her for the invitation and said I may do. After a while I decided that I would, and after going to the garden gate, had a good look around to ensure that there was no one around, and then walked around the corner to Sue's as fast as I could without drawing attention to myself should someone be looking out of their window or coming out of the door. We spent a pleasant evening drinking wine and chatting, though she did drop a bombshell by telling me that the following week she would be going to France grapepicking and would be gone for a few months. I was quite distressed by this (though I didn't let it show). Claire was a really good friend, I felt really close to her. Even though Sue was the most important person to me at that time, I felt that Claire was the second most important person in my life, I loved her and used to tell her so (as she did me). I hoped that we'd always be close no matter what happened in our lives, I felt I really needed her to be around. But I couldn't tell her could I ?

So, on the following Monday evening, Claire called to say goodbye, and it would be over a year before I next saw her. I then continued my meaningless existence, and the next dramatic event was just a few weeks away.

After a couple of years in the wilderness, the Beat were back with a track taken from their 1980 debut album. It was a cover of Andy Williams' 1963 number two hit, and to be honest, it almost sounds as though Andy 'is' singing it. In reaching number three, it became their biggest and final top 40 hit.

It was a Thursday morning and I was still on sick leave from work, there was something wrong with my bike and I needed to get to town. So, I tried to get across the road to the bus stop and get a bus to town inconspiciously. But who should also turn up at the bus stop, but John Dodd. Now John was a bit of a rogue, but I'd always got on quite well with him. So, after my initial embarrassment at being 'caught' by someone, it was nice to be actually talking to a friend again. When we got to town, he came with me to cash my cheque and then we went to the pub and got drunk. At some point in the afternoon we used the public toilets near Wrexham's Guild Hall. As we were going down the steps, a big man in leathers carrying a crash helmet was coming up. John apparently said something to him, but I didn't hear it. Nest thing I knew, I was pushed into a cubicle and John got a bit of a smacking. He didn't seem to mind too much anyway.

We then began walking up to King Street bus station, but as we passed Woolworths, we saw someone we recognised in there. It was Gary Roberts and a mate of his (think his name was Martin). Doddy told them about what had just happened etc, Gary said that I was stupid for what I had recently done (the suicide attempt). Not really a helpful thing to say to someone who's felt low enough to do that, but on the whole, people are like that aren't they ?

Anyway, we were apparently too drunk and too noisy to be in Woolworths, and the police were called. A young policeman came in and asked us to leave the store. I said that I wanted to buy a record first, so he escorted me to the record counter, I bought the Beat single, and he then escorted us to the bus station and put us on a bus (I later learnt that Sue's mother had seen me drunk in town that day).

Now, as previously documented, I had become very self consious and had been avoiding people for weeks. But my drunken state gave me some new confidence, so later on I walked up the village to the chip shop. I bumped into Kenny Baker. Kenny was also seen as something of a rogue, but I'd known him since I started school at the age of three, and there had been times when I'd had a lot to do with him and his brother Michael, most notably during the summer of 1978. I had also not shunned him the previous summer when he had been released after serving a few months in a detention centre. Kenny was quite adult in his attitude about what had happened to me. He had actually seen me being taken into the ambulance that night and feared that I was dead. We had a good chat sitting on the seat near the car park. There was a moment when the cheeky son of the Newsagent shouted something to me out of the window. It was something along the lines of "Have you taken your Anaddin today ?". I said nothing, but Kenny shouted a load of abuse at him. I could so easily have come out of my shell from that day onwards. But the next day when I was sober, I was back to my reclusive self. The downward spiral began to gain momentum.

Old Marley track that had been discovered in a vault or something, and one of the best singles ever released bearing the name 'Marley'. Indeed, it became Bob's highest charting single when it peaked at number four. It's chart position wasn't bettered until "Sun Is Shing" hit number three in the cheap chart of 1999.

I remember hearing this on the radio at work while it was charting. Yes, the doctor told me that I should return to work after five weeks on the sick. I found it quite difficult going in that first day because of people knowing why I hadn't been there. But everyone seemed pretty ok with me. I was still based in the Moss Valley as I had since September 1981. But just before I had gone on the sick, the chargehand 'Andre' had been promoted to foreman, and so was now based at the main depot in Acton. A girl I'd known since starting work in 1978, Carol, had taken over as the first female chargehand at Wrexham Council's Parks Department. She had been based in the nurseries for a couple of years before moving to my favourite work location 'Belle Vue Park' circa 1980. I'd always got on with Carol, and it seemed to work out that I was working with her a lot over the next few weeks, so we had many long conversations. We were often working near the boating lake, and sometimes actually 'doing' the boats. We would often go up to the nearby pub 'The Halfway' at lunchtime instead of going back up to the main building where the other's were.

But, I didn't tell Carol (or anyone else for that matter), what I was doing when I got home at night. I decided to try the Paracetamol thing again, thinking that I would take them and go to bed, surely I wouldn't be saved if I did that. But I didn't like the taste anymore, they made me feel sick. So I got myself a pint of water and emptied 200 of the tablets into it, and stirred it around until they sort of dissolved. I then drank the lot in one go, but to my horror, it all immediately came straight back up.

Next time, I thought gassing myself would be a good idea. We had a gas oven, so I switched the gas full on and put my head in it. After a while, my head began to hurt, it wasn't very comfortable. So I went and got a cushion from the couch, put that in the oven and lay on that. But after a while, the gas just switched off. Apparently it does that for safety reasons. I even tried hanging myself, but the tie I was using ripped. I really wanted to die, but couldn't seem to achieve it. I should have considered a painful way I suppose.

I had seen the Egyptian Psychiatrist women a couple of times since leaving hospital, but hadn't told her what I'd been doing. I had my next appointment on June 10th, and that was a crunch appointment. This story continues with 'Police' "Every Breath You Take" which entered in week ending 28th May 1983.

I realise that some people may come to this page and wonder what the hell has happened and why I'm going through the things that I'm describing. So, I've put all relevant episodes onto one easy to read page here